Here’s a treat to start the year. It’s a poem about sweets by Elvis McGonagall. He wrote it for Radio 4’s Saturday Live at the time Kraft bought Cadbury, and it’s included in his wonderful new collection Mostly Dreich. Enjoy.
Let Them Eat Flake
It’s Opal Fruits – not Starbursts. Treets – not M&Ms.
A Marathon is not a Snickers Bar.
Uncle Joe’s Mintballs to Krafty Uncle Sam.
Shut the lid on our nation’s sweetie jar!
Yes a man’s gotta chew what a man’s gotta chew –
Highland Toffee, Jelly Babies, Twix.
Now it’s Crunchie time for every Fruit ‘n Nut case –
There’s Bounty hunters in our pick ‘n mix!
Because a Finger of Fudge is not enough
For the city boys’ sticky-fingered pillage.
Singing Yankee Doodle Dollar Candy’s Dandy
Waving stars ‘n stripes over Bournville village.
Chunky chocolate cowboys have shot the Milk Tray Man.
Cup hands – there goes Cadburys way out west.
There’s golden tickets for the boardroom Willy Wonkas,
It’s come up Roses for the bankers who know best.
They’ve got the Oompa-Loompas by the Curly Wurlies,
It ain’t no Picnic on the factory floor,
The Billy Bunter fat cats still get all the Crème Eggs
But if you work for Buttons – there’s the door!
So please, let’s keep the family silver in the family.
Scoff the last Rolo before it melts away.
Let’s Revel proudly in Albion’s confectionery,
It’s made British teeth what they are today.